What do people think of when
they think of Germany? Uh... The Holocau-- Hazelnut omelets! Exactly! And the next batch
is almost... Oh, god. The Roomba heard
that. Nobody move! And none of us remember buying that?
So there's a new web program called Facebook. It's the most efficient way to wish people
happy birthday. What? Why are you snickering?
Dad, Facebook's, like, the
oldest web site in the world. Francine,
you missed a couple hazelnuts. Some went under the fridge. I know some went under the fridge,
Klaus. That's why I'm sweeping under the fridge. I'd like to join Facebook, but my work computer won't let me. I hit the "enter" key as hard as I
could, but even that didn't work. Can you have a look at my "enter"
key? Dad, your keyboard's fine. I mean, you broke your "enter"
key, but that's not the problem.
There's probably a firewall. Just
download Ultrasurf, unzip the software,
put the executable on a flash drive --
Wait, let's back up a bit. Where
does my computer go when I'm asleep?
Okay, not to be a nag, but I think if you just sweep with less of a wide
motion and more of a -- You know what, Klaus? If you want your precious hazelnuts, you sweep 'em up.
Ew , we all heard that. Tense. Dad, why don't you just bring me to work
with you? I'll set your computer
up. Hmm. You hanging
around all my badass colleagues. I don't know. Dad, I won't embarrass
you. You know what? Maybe it'll be good
for you. Yes! You'll wear pants. I have the perfect pair of khakis from...
Petite Sophisticate. Of course you do. Awesome! I
get to miss the rope climb in gym class. Not only are my arms too weak to pull myself
up, but I don't like the feeling the
rope makes as it rubs against my genitals... until I do like it. Steve, wait! You haven't tried -- Okay, Klaus, I will try one of your hazel whatevers. Mmm! This is really good. What's in it? Hazelnut, butter, eggs, veal, milk.
I use whole milk. Some people --
Wait. Veal?! There's meat in
this? For thickening.
You know what they say -- you can't
make hazelnussomeletten
without kinderkuhfleische. Klaus! I haven't meat in over a year! How do you like yours, Roger? Ah, it's great, it's great. ♪ ♪
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ ♪
the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
♪ and he's shinin' a salute to the
American race ♪ ♪ oh, boy, it's swell
to say ♪ Good -- ♪ good morning,
U.S.A. <font
color="#ecbd">Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addiced.com</font> Wow, this
is cool. Dad, you think I could be in
the C.I.A. someday? I don't know,
son. The C.I.A. is all about guys who
can do stuff like this. Whoa, that was awesome!
Jim is an old friend. It's
Carl. You see what those jackoffs did?
They've blocked my view! It's
a strong word, but it's appropriate. Those jackoffs! Who? Who are the jackoffs? Our number one rival -- the National
Security Agency. Spy on this, nerds! Aren't you guys on the same team?
Steve, let me show you an informative film. The C.I.A. began as the office of strategic services. Recognize the voice? ...founded
by "Wild Bill" Donovan whose courage and overall
badass-ery
helped win World War II. Have
you figured it out? It's a famous actor.
"Sling Blade"? He was everything a C.I.A. agent should be
-- a brave,
big-chinned tough
guy. Oh, it's Billy Bob Thornton. Yeah! Couple of the guys got to meet
him. They said he was pretty cool. And though we've had our failures... ...we've won our nation's trust, and
we kept that bastard Fidel Castro from
getting his hands on America. Then
someone decided the American taxpayers should foot the bill for more
government, and the National Security
Agency was born. They secretly monitor
all kinds of communication, including
the phone calls of American citizens. We fight over how much of the federal budget we
should each get. Last year, those jackoffs cost us a ping pong table. Now our game room only has four games. When I grow up, I wanna
work here with you, dad. Not if you're
sleeping on the double bank. All
right. to . Sorry, toilet. I know you've been a vegetarian as long as I
have. Oh, enough. Be honest. It was delicious coming up,
wasn't it, Hayley? What? No! I -- I'm a
committed vegetarian. Wasn't it,
Hayley? Fine, fine! It was delicious! Listen, it's great that you're a
vegetarian. But you know that movie
"The Purge"? Is that the
movie where those girls go shopping?
No, Hayley, you're thinking of "The Splurge," my unproduced screenplay, and I told you not to speak of it because people steal
great ideas. What you need is a
vegetarian purge -- one day a year when you go crazy on
meat. No. That violates all the
principles -- Think it over. I'll be in
your bath. I'm not actually gonna clean
myself. I just like to sit on the drain
while it empties. Now you share
something crazy about you. Okay, I culled your bloatware,
disabled running services. Did you know
you were still using Netscape navigator? I use these! Time for lunch, Smith. Ah, your son. Put her there, young man. Mr. Bullock, can I come to lunch with you
guys? Hmm, with that limp handshake? Strength's
not my speciality, but -- Yes, I'm not
sure you should come with us to Applebee's.
We have a reputation to uphold with our waitress,
Trish. She's a single mother with sass
to spare!
Coming, Smith? Or do you have
plans with Edward Sissyhands here? Steve will be good here. You still have work
to do. Sorry about my goofball son,
sir. His handshake
grosses me out, too. Not exactly C.I.A. material. You convinced me. About what? Baths make me forgetful.
That I might as well eat meat today.
I still love it, and I really miss it.
For the next hours, Hayley Smith
is a carnivore. I want to eat a cheeseburger.
Ow! Too hard. Stupid dad. Not
C.I.A. material? So what if I can't
shake a hand right? Let's see what
happens when I refuse to update your adobe. No,
no, that's too much. Every Adobe update is
critical and should be installed
immediately. But stupid dad! Who's watching me? Who are you? A guy who knows that Amanda Duquette digs
you. And no shame in that. She's a
solid six. Sixes and fives -- that's
where the bargains are. How do you know
about Amanda? Oh, sorry. I'm Nat. I work for the National Security
Agency. We saw what you were doing with
your dad's computer, and we think you,
Steve Smith, are N.S.A. material.
Really? Hey, do you ever listen to my conversations with snot? We're the N.S.A. We got better things to do than listen to two confused kids flirt with each
other. What a relief. Your dad ditched you to go to Applebee's
with his friends. How'd you know
that? We're the N.S.A. We know who goes
to Applebee's. See, we don't learn stuff the dumb, old-fashioned C.I.A. way. We use our heads here. Come on. Let me show you a movie. I'm watching a lot of movies today. World War II wasn't won by jocks. It was won by nerds. We built the first computers and broke the Japanese and German codes. Now this one I got. That's George
Takei. A single N.S.A. computer does more than a hundred C.I.A. agents. We monitor the world's communications. If you're talking, the N.S.A. is
listening. That's what keeps America safe. That
was George Takei. Yeah, I said that already.
Sorry, I can't hear anything when I'm munching my corns. Mmm!
Oh! Shh! Oh, I'm so disgusted with
myself, but I can't stop eating
this. What did I say? You would love
it. And what happened? You love
it! Oh, we're not stopping here,
Roger. If I'm having a meat day, I'm
going all the way. I want to get weird. You mean...
Roger, take me to Koreatown. Take you? I mean, can we just go to
Koreatown? What's gonna happen? I'm gonna be driving, and you're gonna sit in the back? I'm glad your son didn't ruin our
lunch. It would've revolted me to see
his limp wrist holding
up a chicken tender. And
Trish! What would Trish think? Arm strength isn't his thing. Steve will find his thing, I don't
know, working on a computer someplace,
like... ♪ Doop be doop be doop Nerds are like that. ♪ Doop be doop be doop That's not how I talk! I don't say... ♪ Doop be doop be doop you guys are watching them all the
time? Yeah, the more dirt we get on them, the more of their budget
we can take. We've been trying to get
on to your dad's computer, but we can't
figure out where he keeps his files. ♪
Doop be doop be doop How is he still
doing it? And how is he still getting
laughs?! There you are. Hey, sorry
about lunch, buddy. But thanks for
setting up Facebook.
Facebook...on! Notify my friends
of my many accomplishments... on! I need to take your disks, okay? To get them... digitally cleaned. Should I get the whole computer cleaned? Would that make it happier? No. It doesn't feel anything. Sometimes I wish I was a computer. You sound a little ominous,
Steve. Is everything okay? Yes, everything's fine. Cool!
Eat it, Hayley. Eat it! Oh, my
god. I could feel him fighting all the
way down my throat. He did not wanna
die. Hayley, what's your wildest
fantasy? I've been kidnapped by three African guys, and while the whole village watches,
their most powerful warrior demands
that I disrobe. Whoa, okay, fascinating. Will return
to. But I meant your wildest food fantasy. I, uh... I don't know if I should say. Oh, this is gonna be good! I've always wanted to eat a gorilla -- a gorilla that can speak sign language. I wanna eat its brain. Oh, that is truly
horrifying.
Oh, I'm disgusted! You should be disgusted. But I do know a guy. I can't believe this. The C.I.A. would be stupid to store their data this way. They are stupids! Oh, with what's on here, we could take them down! There won't even be
a C.I.A. Wait, that seems a tad
strong. You don't get a vote. I thought I was N.S.A. material. Not anymore. You're what we call a "discarded asset." Later, traitor. Sorry, gotta
swipe you out of this door, too. That'll get you as far as the
cafeteria. Someone there will have to
swipe you to the garage. Then you can just
walk up the ramp. Technically, you have
to swipe at the top, but it's just one
of those arm gates, so you can just
duck under it. Uh, bye! Oh... The C.I.A. What happened to the C.I.A.? Hush,
papa. The C.I.A. is gone. It's been gone for a long time. Who betrayed
me? Someone betrayed me. Well, I did it. I provided
food for the family. It's Klaus. But... But... We can't afford
tartar sauce! Well, I guess I'd better
go to my job as a stripper. What's
happened? With your C.I.A. gone, it was easy for Cuba to invade United
States. All hail Fidel! What a horrible nightmare. And why did I include that extra part where I actually saw mom stripping? One problem at a time. Dad. Dad, wake up. I did something
terrible. I was snooping on you, and I
heard what you said about me. And I got
so mad I betrayed you to the N.S.A. N.S.A.?
I gave them all your floppy
disks, and they're gonna use them to put the C.I.A. out of business! I feel so awful.
How can I make this up to you? I'm
afraid that's impossible, son. Wha...
No! Papa, please! Remember when you and
I built that fort out in the woods? I'd suggest you go live in that fort, Steve.
No traitors can live under my roof. Can -- can I say goodbye to mom? That's her waving
goodbye, Steve. I'm on my own... maybe
forever. I should probably wait to eat
my snacks.
I'll just put 'em where
I can see 'em. So
y'all wanna eat a signing gorilla? We got one. Mittens! You got the money? All right. You folks think about wine pairings.
Are we okay with this? After
today, I am never eating meat again.
But I'm going out on top. No, I
mean, are we okay with wine? I've
always heard beer with gorilla brain.
Why did I betray my dad? And why
did I eat all my snacks? You'll always
have snacks as long as I'm around.
Dad! Steve, I was hurt you betrayed me.
But now I can see where it came from.
I was just so mad. You told your
friends I wasn't C.I.A. material! And
then I turned out not to be! Whoa, buck
up, son. I'm sorry I said that. And I was
wrong, anyway. I mean, you figured out my plan. You're right. I... Your plan? You knew I'd never kick you out of the
house. I just needed to get you
somewhere where I knew the N.S.A.
couldn't snoop on us. Right. Your
plan. That's why I could afford to eat all my snacks
right away. I didn't have to play the
long game. Now, where do you think my
disks are? Forget the disks. They've uploaded the data.
They won't be clouded yet, not secure
enough. But it will be somewhere backed
up on their server farm. Okay, I don't
know what any of that means. The
crucial thing is we get those disks back.
How are we gonna get in there?
They have triple lock, fingerprint
encryption systems. Did you check the roof? Nerds
never go up on the roof. 'Cause of the
sun. Come on, Steve! Follow me up! A rope climb? Dad, I can't do it! Sure, you can, Steve! I don't always say it, but I believe in
you! I'm doing it! All by myself. Uh-oh.
Here's where the rubbing starts to
feel funny. This'll be a bad time for a
boner.
Don't think about the rope at school.
Aah! I did it! Go home? Job's not done, son. Well, isn't this cute? Father and son. Yeah, that's right. This is my dad, Stan Smith of the
C.I.A. C.I.A.?! No, The-Theodore! Shoot
them. You ever even fire that thing,
son? No. I downloaded
a PDF about gun use. Shoot him! Aah! So loud! You're just a bunch of nerds. What do bullies do to nerds? Steve?
A purple nurple! Ah, ah, ah! Titty
twister!
Okay, now how 'bout one that's not on the nipple? Noogie! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Quit punching yourself! Ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow! Pig belly! Aah, aah, aah, aah, aah! Wedgie! No. Atomic
wedgie! Aah, aah, aah! Ow, ow, ow, ow! Ah, ah, ah! Aah! Ow, ow, ow. You're what we call... a discarded asshole.
Lousy machines. Storing
America’s private data. Dad, dad! I
know a better way. They were all
connected in a series. Like Christmas
lights, papa. No! Error
-- N.S.A. files not found. Nat,
are you gonna take that underwear off your
head? It's the only thing that feels
good right now. Mmm, I think I just ate
the memory of when it was taken away
from its mom. So no sides at all? Mmm, oh...
Oh, no. Oh, this was a mistake. You're damn right it was! Gus Derwitt, U.S. Fish & Wildlife
Service. We got you on tape eating an endangered species. That's a -year prison term. Please, she accidentally ate veal this
morning. You can see how we got here. We're so sorry! Please don't turn us
in! Hmm, well, my hands aren't exactly
clean either. There was probably a way
to do this without butchering a gorilla. Tell you what, give me $,, I'll let you walk. I have $.
I have two stamps and a used ticket
to Chicago’s Adler Planetarium.
Hand it over and get out of here before I change my mind. There should be sides. We got
bucks and whatever two forever stamps is worth
these days. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The old gorilla brain
switcheroo
doesn't play like it used to.
Maybe we need a new swindle. You wanna grift
with someone else? That's fine. But you
still gon' be my husband. Tonight, you
proved you are C.I.A. material. We just
did a mission together. Put her
there. Hmm, nothing we can do about the
sweat.
That's from your mom's side. But
you can tighten up the grip. Alright, alright, still pretty weak, but getting there. There it is, now there's a handshake. Cute kid. You leaving him as a tip? Cause
last time you didn't leave a tip.
Trish. <font color="#ecbd">Sync
& corrections by honeybunny www.addiced.com</font>
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